12 days left: Saying goodbye begins.
My house is empty after four hours of continuous and glorious chatter, backgrounded by the Michael Jackson station on Pandora. I'm sitting on the couch surrounded by bags of hamburger & hot dog buns, empty wine bottles, half filled plastic cups, 3 bunches of flowers and the remnants of a pot luck.
About an hour ago, surrounded by a few dozen friends, a wave of anxiety-laced wonder passed through me as I anticipated the familiar loneliness that usually enters the house as the final guests leave.
I'm happily surprised to report, however, I don't feel lonely at all! My heart is full of love, at the risk of sounding like a Donna Reed episode (no, I'm not that old; I grew up with Nick at Nite).
This morning I met with friends and had a minor Come-Apart about the grief I am feeling about leaving. Many people came up to tell me how much they love me, and for one of the first times in my life, I believed them. I left feeling love for them, their love for me, and, most importantly, I began to feel love for myself. Their love was contagious and soaked through these layers of resistance I've been keeping around me.
Tonight the love fest continued, and no matter how cheesy it sounds, it was awesome!
There are no pictures to post because I didn't take any! The compulsion to document the event by posing with every single person in attendance has mysteriously been lifted. I didn't even have my phone on me most of the night.
I am sitting here alone AND feeling so loved and supported and authentic and amazed and grateful and satisfied and nourished. The last 13 years in Boise have been absolutely transformative: I went from married to divorced; from retail sales to teaching math; from anxious to calm; from swamp cooler to central air; from Dr. Pepper to water (though I will ALWAYS Be a Pepper); and from following you to following me.
I could not have done it without these people.
About an hour ago, surrounded by a few dozen friends, a wave of anxiety-laced wonder passed through me as I anticipated the familiar loneliness that usually enters the house as the final guests leave.
I'm happily surprised to report, however, I don't feel lonely at all! My heart is full of love, at the risk of sounding like a Donna Reed episode (no, I'm not that old; I grew up with Nick at Nite).
This morning I met with friends and had a minor Come-Apart about the grief I am feeling about leaving. Many people came up to tell me how much they love me, and for one of the first times in my life, I believed them. I left feeling love for them, their love for me, and, most importantly, I began to feel love for myself. Their love was contagious and soaked through these layers of resistance I've been keeping around me.
Tonight the love fest continued, and no matter how cheesy it sounds, it was awesome!
There are no pictures to post because I didn't take any! The compulsion to document the event by posing with every single person in attendance has mysteriously been lifted. I didn't even have my phone on me most of the night.
I am sitting here alone AND feeling so loved and supported and authentic and amazed and grateful and satisfied and nourished. The last 13 years in Boise have been absolutely transformative: I went from married to divorced; from retail sales to teaching math; from anxious to calm; from swamp cooler to central air; from Dr. Pepper to water (though I will ALWAYS Be a Pepper); and from following you to following me.
I could not have done it without these people.
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