One more time - mistake or not #InternationalTeaching #Elizabethtown #DecidePlanAct
Summer is well underway, but I haven't officially disclosed my plans for next year. Partly this is out of laziness and partly because I was unsure about my decision.
Here's what I've decided:
I'm going back for another year at the 2nd, great school!
As usual, there is commentary:
1. You may be wondering, wait, I thought you signed up for 2 years originally anyways? Yes. But when I was hired by the new school, I signed a 6 month contract. This turned out to be a perfect situation in which I could stay in Abu Dhabi and experience non-traumatic living, work at a great school with a fantastic math department and be able to go back to Boise next year if it didn't work out.
2. I was really torn about staying another year because I had to decide in late April. Back then I hadn't begun diving, was feeling stressed, hot, somewhat lonely and doubtful about Abu Dhabi in general.
3. The Boise School District asked me to tell them if I was returning in early April. Thoughts of returning to Boise a failure haunted me while thoughts of staying in Abu Dhabi gave me nausea. Denial took over and I didn't decide until the final day what I was going to do.
4. Originally I signed up for 2 years, so I may as well stay the 2 years.
5. I just learned to dive! There is so much travelling to do.
Now...
let me tell you, I wavered internally with this decision well after I had committed to the school, this being the main reason why I didn't post about it. A tremendous amount of fear led to obsessive thoughts, Netflix and copious amounts of Fruity Pebbles while I avoided feeling the anxiety. I feared making a mistake that would result in never meeting a man I want to be with, not having kids, feeling lonely forever and missing out on what was "supposed" to be my life. You know, the "little" things.
However, I have learned a principle I call, "Decide, Plan, Act." The ACT part is super important, as it can get easily derailed by emotions. This was my mantra as I worked out the rest of the year, constantly reminding myself that "feelings aren't facts" and that my emotions were normal.
Even on the plane back home I had a "Come to Jesus" meeting with myself in an attempt to not return from Abu Dhabi the same whiny, insecure woman constantly seeking reassurance who left. Just say it is good, even if it isn't. I'm not sure why this has always been hard for me but I suspect it has something to do with pretending. I spent so much of my life pretending to be someone I thought other people would like that I recoil whenever something feels like that behavior taking over again [it's ironic that I have absolutely no poker face when it comes to emotions, but that's a different subject].
And so when I landed I said to my aunt and uncle, yes, it's been good, I'm glad I went, blah blah blah, although I still doubted myself.
Then, a miracle [read: epiphany] happened!
While in Dallas I watched Elizabethtown one day when I was sick. This little speech changed my perspective about everything.
And so I rewrote the story in my head. So what if moving to Abu Dhabi was a mistake? Even if it is a mistake to go back, who cares? I want to be that person who is so happy after a huge mistake people wonder what is wrong with me. Honestly, that's how some people look at me now anyway!
I just kept responding to the question, "how is it, living over there?" with an enthusiastic, "Fantastic!" And what happened is this: I don't believe it's a mistake anymore. I don't worry about not getting those things that have seemed so necessary for happiness. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe that moving to Abu Dhabi was the best thing I could have done. It HAS been fantastic and magically the fears and self-doubt that accompanied me throughout this adventure have been removed.
The new, true story is this:
It IS a great thing that I went. Part of it was horrible and the city of Abu Dhabi is not spectacular, and I hate being hot but it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. I've always wanted to live overseas and here I am! I am living in a completely different culture meeting amazing and un-amazing people, learning new skills and finding out I am so much more than I ever knew I was before.
If it WAS a mistake to go or IS a mistake to go back, it is the most fruitful mistake I have ever made!
Here's what I've decided:
I'm going back for another year at the 2nd, great school!
As usual, there is commentary:
1. You may be wondering, wait, I thought you signed up for 2 years originally anyways? Yes. But when I was hired by the new school, I signed a 6 month contract. This turned out to be a perfect situation in which I could stay in Abu Dhabi and experience non-traumatic living, work at a great school with a fantastic math department and be able to go back to Boise next year if it didn't work out.
2. I was really torn about staying another year because I had to decide in late April. Back then I hadn't begun diving, was feeling stressed, hot, somewhat lonely and doubtful about Abu Dhabi in general.
3. The Boise School District asked me to tell them if I was returning in early April. Thoughts of returning to Boise a failure haunted me while thoughts of staying in Abu Dhabi gave me nausea. Denial took over and I didn't decide until the final day what I was going to do.
4. Originally I signed up for 2 years, so I may as well stay the 2 years.
5. I just learned to dive! There is so much travelling to do.
Now...
let me tell you, I wavered internally with this decision well after I had committed to the school, this being the main reason why I didn't post about it. A tremendous amount of fear led to obsessive thoughts, Netflix and copious amounts of Fruity Pebbles while I avoided feeling the anxiety. I feared making a mistake that would result in never meeting a man I want to be with, not having kids, feeling lonely forever and missing out on what was "supposed" to be my life. You know, the "little" things.
However, I have learned a principle I call, "Decide, Plan, Act." The ACT part is super important, as it can get easily derailed by emotions. This was my mantra as I worked out the rest of the year, constantly reminding myself that "feelings aren't facts" and that my emotions were normal.
Even on the plane back home I had a "Come to Jesus" meeting with myself in an attempt to not return from Abu Dhabi the same whiny, insecure woman constantly seeking reassurance who left. Just say it is good, even if it isn't. I'm not sure why this has always been hard for me but I suspect it has something to do with pretending. I spent so much of my life pretending to be someone I thought other people would like that I recoil whenever something feels like that behavior taking over again [it's ironic that I have absolutely no poker face when it comes to emotions, but that's a different subject].
And so when I landed I said to my aunt and uncle, yes, it's been good, I'm glad I went, blah blah blah, although I still doubted myself.
Then, a miracle [read: epiphany] happened!
While in Dallas I watched Elizabethtown one day when I was sick. This little speech changed my perspective about everything.
And so I rewrote the story in my head. So what if moving to Abu Dhabi was a mistake? Even if it is a mistake to go back, who cares? I want to be that person who is so happy after a huge mistake people wonder what is wrong with me. Honestly, that's how some people look at me now anyway!
I just kept responding to the question, "how is it, living over there?" with an enthusiastic, "Fantastic!" And what happened is this: I don't believe it's a mistake anymore. I don't worry about not getting those things that have seemed so necessary for happiness. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, believe that moving to Abu Dhabi was the best thing I could have done. It HAS been fantastic and magically the fears and self-doubt that accompanied me throughout this adventure have been removed.
The new, true story is this:
It IS a great thing that I went. Part of it was horrible and the city of Abu Dhabi is not spectacular, and I hate being hot but it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. I've always wanted to live overseas and here I am! I am living in a completely different culture meeting amazing and un-amazing people, learning new skills and finding out I am so much more than I ever knew I was before.
If it WAS a mistake to go or IS a mistake to go back, it is the most fruitful mistake I have ever made!
It is never a mistake to live life to the fullest!
ReplyDeleteI agree, there are no mistakes in that sense. Living life to the fullest is the best you can do. Well done you
ReplyDelete