The real story of loneliness

From https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lonely

I post a lot about loneliness. I know this.

Most of my life has been lonely. As a child I felt disconnected from my parents, and the loneliness never really left me. My brother is 4 years younger than me and we mostly ignored each other growing up. I had a few best friends in grade school, but one moved away after 6th grade, another one and I had a falling out in 8th grade (although I'm happy to report reconciliation at our 10 year high school reunion), and the closest one and I ran in different circles once we hit high school.

Consequently I spent all of my time and energy after junior high (the worst years of life for myself and most girls everywhere) desperately trying to overcome a deep feeling of loneliness, but it never seemed to budge. As I grew up I discovered habits and people that gave me temporary relief from the agony of isolation. I also wanted desperately to feel a part of with people.

The desire to numb and the desire for connection combined as fuel for my life. Everything was driven by one of these two needs. I ultimately needed people to love me, but if I couldn't get that I would just avoid feeling the pain.

The drive to belong (what I called being loved) absolutely worked against me. I flung myself at people who maybe didn't want me around and maybe I didn't like. I trusted people who hadn't earned it and got myself hurt. I threw up on people emotionally if they gave me any sort of attention because I was terrified they were about to leave. I went places I knew I shouldn't. With people I shouldn't. Everything I did was related to winning people to my side.

But here's the thing. I did find people that loved me. I got married. I stayed married for 9 years, and I was lonely through most of it. I've had relationships since, and I was lonely through those, too. I have made new girlfriends and guess what? They were not enough to fill the loneliness inside of me.

What I have learned over the years is this: Lonely is not a people problem. At least not for me. Sure, there are times when I am "being-without-company-lonely", and the solution there is to call a friend.

But the deep, despair-invoking, "cut-off-from-others-producing-a-feeling-of-desolation" loneliness, cannot be healed by people. I think it has to be healed by me and God. If it could be cured by knowing people, I would almost never feel lonely. I meet people everywhere, yet still the bleakness returns. Even within relationships, my insecurity was insatiable. The other person, man or woman, could never do or be enough to quiet my inner desperation.

I now believe that this particular brand of loneliness is not about people not wanting me, but about me not wanting me.

In the midst of a loneliness storm, if I focus on doing tasks that are mine and only mine to do, the loneliness starts to lift. For example, today when the lonely hit, I eventually (it usually takes me a while to figure out what to do) sat down and responded to a bunch of emails caring friends had written over the last few weeks to check on me. That really helped.

At other times I noticed taking a shower or preparing lunches for the week or making my bed or doing laundry helps. Or taking a nap. Or calling home. Frequently truly paying attention to myself, to what's really going on, leads me out of the fog.

Other times just living through the bad feeling is the most direct way out. I laid on the beach today for hours with my head spinning. I vacillated between trying to figure out how to stop feeling like this and just letting myself feel like this. Every now and then I tried to leave, but I didn't have anywhere to go! I just kept lying there. It was uncomfortable but I lived through it. Eventually I went swimming and met a lovely Emirati woman in the water with whom I chatted for over an hour. We even talked about how hard life is for everybody! When I left, my head felt clear and clean, like after a shower following a muddy, rainy run.

I also know I am hard on myself. I know that it is totally common and reasonable to feel lonely when one moves across the world to an entirely different culture. Already I have an amazing and growing network of friends here. There is also genuine grief over the life I left behind, even if it is temporary.

But I absolutely believe that one of the reasons I have come to the UAE is for this deep scar of disconnection to be healed. And, I suspect, learning to love myself as I have so desperately wanted others to love me.