Awaiting the Biopsy, Managing the Anxiety

Outside the Bullock Museum, Austin

I was exhausted after the diagnostic mammogram which, usually less than an hour in total, turned out to be a 5 hour extravaganza. When I got home I burst into tears and had a good cry before I could even get out of the car. I started praying for calm and peace. 

More than the results of the biopsy I was freaking out about the procedure itself. Although the doctor and nurses assured me I would only feel the first numbing shot of the local anesthetic, I didn't believe them. Several times in the past I have been told the same thing, only to feel a lot of pain during the procedure. Despite my best efforts I would find myself worried about how I would react to the pain, if I would feel more than the first shot, if these people were trustworthy, if this doctor is good, etc. 

I told my parents the news over a dinner of grilled catfish and they did not seem overly concerned--which helped me so much, I think. Wanting to please them gave me a sort of "suck it up" attitude that pushed my mind into positive thinking and gratitude that we have all of these procedures to help us stay healthy. On top of that, Texas was playing in the Alamo Bowl that night and my cousin was coming over to watch with us. Watching Texas lose is always distracting! Football certainly filled in the gaps for the next week, giving me something to keep my mind focused on. I watched TCU win, Ohio State loose, Tulane win and prayed with everyone else after watching Damar Hamlin get revived on Monday Night Football.

Shockingly, a lot of women I know have had this procedure. I can list 5 off the top of my head that I talked to in those 5 days who have had it, one of whom is my mother! That it is so common was reassuring. To one of those five women I asked, how badly did it hurt? She summed it up pretty well: "It was a long time ago but since then I've had kids so...."  Not coincidentally, this is probably why men and myself have such a low tolerance for pain.

When I awoke the morning before the test, my body was anxious. There was a palpable buzzing in my body and not matter what I tried, I could not calm it down. I met with friends, I wrote in my journal, I tried to meditate. Eventually I told myself at 11 a.m. I had to be out of the house on my way to doing something. The big outing was Costco to cancel my membership (no Costco's in Israel) and then to the Bullock Museum Texas History Galleries in downtown Austin. Museums for me are a magic cure for almost any ailment! It is a beautifully done exhibit (which I highly recommend) and I was able to get lost for a couple of hours.

Me and the Goddess I watched leave the capitol building in 1986.

When I left the Bullock Museum my anxiety was much lower, although I felt a bit like I was carefully walking through a minefield, trying not to trigger any emotional explosions in myself. I went on a walk with my dad around Town Lake. 

Daddy and I on our walk around Town Lake

My evening ended with a session with my trusted therapist via Zoom. She reminded me of two key points I hadn't even considered: First, she said the same thing my aunt did, that I didn't actually have to leave for Israel on Friday; and second, that I have every right to ask as many questions of the doctor before the procedure as I need to. Anxiety dissipated immensely during that call and I suddenly felt powerful after having been shown that I have choices in this process.

Fighting the urge to stay up late to delay tomorrow's arrival, I went to sleep about 11 p.m. full of peace and calm. God heard my prayer, and those of my support system. Amazingly, I woke up calm and strangely unafraid. All God.

There was one thing I needed to do before leaving for the clinic. With less than zero expectation of a flight change without a fare difference, I called American Airlines first thing the morning of the biopsy. The published price for a business class ticket from Dallas to Tel Aviv was now thousands of dollars more than the great deal I paid, but I have learned that it never hurts to ask. The worst thing that could happen is I get told "no" and leave on Friday. 

American Airlines changed my flight to Saturday with no extra cost. I was SHOCKED. My mother was shocked. Aunt Debbie was shocked. But it's true--I have the confirmation email to prove it! I leave on Saturday and fly through Miami.